Updated: Aug 22, 2020
Since I was a young girl I have always had head knowledge of God. I wouldn't say I was "raised" in the church but my mother made sure my brother and I were on every vacation Bible school bus that came through our neighborhood. Occasionally, we went to church on Sunday's. My great aunt, at one time, was picking up my brother, two cousins and I to take us to church along with her. I'm grateful for all of those experiences because it laid the foundation for me to accept Christ. However, I didn't know my heart was supposed to be changed and it was still only head knowledge that I had of God. I've worked in customer service a lot in my life and I would often get tracts given to me from church goers. I remember gladly receiving them from customers and reciting the sinner's prayer with glee when they left... as if it were a tune up on my salvation (embarrassing as sounds).
When I hit 9th grade I chose to make a vow of purity until marriage. A group of Teen Advisers came in one of my classes and informed us new comers of the dangers of sex, drugs, and alcohol and it led me to abstain from sex. "I'm going to remain a virgin until marriage, to let God know I at least tried to do one thing right" is what I told my mom. But in addition to that my reasons were selfish. I didn't want to be known as the "fast" or "loose" girl everyone talked about in school either. Nonetheless, I made the vow. I put off dating all throughout high school. I made myself the "home girl" to every guy who liked me and to the ones that didn't. I tried my best to keep guys at bay because I was afraid of the rejection that I felt came from sharing that I was waiting. I was completely satisfied with my girl friends. They filled the void of a relationship in my life. That was until October 2010 when I moved to another state. I knew no one and I began to feel the loneliest I've ever felt in my life. I began to turn to dating sites and entertaining guys that I had no business entertaining. Guy after guy turned out to be a waste of time. Though none of these encounters were physical, I STILL wasted a ton of time and energy. What I failed to realize was that the vow I made was going to take a certain kind of guy to "be cool with it". I didn't know the importance of being hidden in Christ Jesus and allowing Him to make me available to the right guy. Because of my lack of knowledge I experienced let down after let down. It became exhausting dealing with guys who were players and weren't ready for commitment. I would talk to a guy for a few weeks...trying to hold back as long as I could that I was abstaining from sex until it became unavoidable. Each time I told a guy I was waiting they would flee. I was so hungry for attention that I would make myself available to guys I knew weren't God's best for me. In 2013 I started following Heather Lindsey's Pinky Promise Ministry and I was in awe of how sold out she is for Christ. Her story ministered to me and helped me see that the void I was trying to fill with a guy was meant for Jesus. In 2013 I rededicated my life to God. I realized that the enemy was using my loneliness as an open door to come in and distract me from my first TRUE love. And though I still maintained purity through the journey there was still damage done from the tying of souls. Chasing Jesus instead of false love and attention was the best decision I've ever made. I know now that I don't want a guy to be "cool" with me waiting until marriage. Waiting is now a standard that the guy I entertain has to be upholding as well. I chose to no longer sell myself short and see myself as my Lord and Savior sees me...a prize, worth dying for.